Last week, we explored why kids don’t jump to it (Obedience: Why Do You Have To Tell Them Five Times?) when we ask them to do something, as part of my series Are Kids Today Spoiled and Undisciplined?  Many parents told me that post helped them understand conflicts from their child’s perspective, which made it possible to find some common ground and more cooperation. As always, a few parents advocated more harshness: “Parents just need to learn to say No and back it up with punishment!” But even many parents who are committed to loving guidance wondered, “How can I say No if I don’t resort to threats?”

This is, of course, the million dollar question. But it is indeed possible to get kids cooperating, without resorting to yelling, threats or harshness.  The secrets?

1. Kids only listen to us because of who we are to them.  Our influence depends on their connection to us. If your child won’t listen, start by consciously connecting. Strengthen your relationship by:

• Looking for every opportunity to empathize, especially as you set limits and redirect. “That looks like so much fun….You love racing your truck around the house….And I’m worried that crashing it like that could scrape up the wall, so we need to find a safe place to crash it.”
• Committing to 15 minutes minimum of one-on-one Special Time to connect with each child daily.
• Roughhousing to get your child laughing every single day.
• Welcoming his tears when he needs to cry, even when it’s because you’re saying no.

Within a week of this focus on connecting, you’ll see your child start to pay more attention when you ask for his cooperation.

2. Kids accept our direction when it’s part of the routine because that’s just the way life is. “We always clean up the toys before dinner. That’s the rule.” Kids may not love these rules, but if we cheerfully insist on them, they’ll become habits, like washing hands after using the bathroom, or doing homework before playing.

3. Kids accept our requests when they realize, through experience, that the limit is firm. If they learn they can always adjust our limits, they will naturally challenge them every time. That doesn’t mean you can’t listen to their arguments and reconsider. (You want them to get good at finding win/win solutions.) But once your mind is made up, be kind but firm. Get in their physical space in a pleasant, humorous way, so that ignoring you isn’t an option. “Hey, didn’t you hear me?  Time to clean up now.  Let’s drive that dump truck to the toy box.”

4. Kids accept our limits when we accept their desires, and their anger, sadness or disappointment about our limits. They don’t have to like our limits; they just have to follow them.  Once they express their desire and their unhappiness, they can more easily accept the limit and move on. “You wish you could play for ten more hours, right? You could play all night. It’s hard to stop playing and clean up. Want to growl while we clean up to show me how snarly you feel? Let’s have a growling contest while we put the stuffed animals back on the shelf.”

5. Kids follow our requests when they don’t feel pushed around. Avoid initiating a power struggle. Find a way to give a choice, and some autonomy. “It’s time to clean up now.  Do you want to drive the cars into the box, or airlift them in?”

6. Kids follow our requests when we transform them into something fun and inviting.  You can make a game out anything, and no kid can resist an invitation to play.  Let the trucks have a race to the toy box. Use funny voices. Have a contest about who can clean up fastest. Pretend you’re the wrecking crew. Tell a story while you clean up about a kid who hated to clean up. Can you do this every time? No, unless you’re superhuman.  Every parent has days when they’re just too exhausted to make things fun.  But if you do this when you can summon up the energy, it will make a big difference.

7. Kids follow our requests when they’re age-appropriate.  Most five year olds can’t clean up by themselves. Even if you think he “should” know how, he needs your company to stay on task. When we clean up with our kids, over and over, and make it enjoyable, they eventually learn to take pleasure in making their space orderly. But usually for young children, the only pleasure in cleaning up is the connection with the parent — so make the most of that connection to inspire the clean-up.

8. Kids accept our limits when they see we care about their happiness. “I know you don’t want to destroy this tower you worked so hard on.  We usually clean everything up at night, but let’s leave your tower up to enjoy. And if we hurry with the rest of the clean-up, we’ll have time for an extra story.”

9. Kids accept our direction because they trust us to make rules that support their well-being. That trust is established by the way we interact with them every day. “We clean up so we don’t trip over the toys and break them. And so we have a clear space to play tomorrow.”

10. Kids accept our NO because they feel our deeper YES.  Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart.  Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit. “YES, it’s time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!”  Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that matches yours.

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It so happened, recently, that my 10-year-old daughter and I wanted the same thing. It could have been anything — the last brownie, the window seat — but what matters is that there was only one. If our happiness depended on this one thing, there was no way we would both end up happy.

Happiness is more complicated than that, even at 10. It also happened that my daughter was having a rough day: the kind of day where the smallest things loomed large, and happiness of any kind seemed unlikely. Once we realized that only one of us could “win,” it became unlikely that either of us would end up pleased. Who wants happiness when it comes at someone else’s expense, even in a small way?

Of course I did what any parent would do: I said: “Here, you go. It’s O.K., I want you to go.” (The treat in question was a ride on a horse.) But then she did the same. “No,” she said, “you go.” And then she started crying, saying that she was “mad — but I’m not mad at you,” and left. (As I said, she was already having a rough day.)

I wanted to run after her. I wanted her to take my place, but the friend we were with stopped me. “But I won’t have fun now,” I said. “I’ll just be all unhappy.” It was that kind of day for me, too.

“Just come,” the friend said. Time, for various reasons, was limited. If I didn’t go it was likely that neither of us would. So I did. I left my child behind, probably crying, and went. I was wrong. I did have fun.

I wasn’t unhappy, or at least not for long. And when I came back, neither was she. I told her thanks for letting me go, and she said, “I’m glad you had fun.” We had a long hug, and I said it again, “Really, thank you.” I could feel her smiling, even though I couldn’t see her face. Somehow, our whole day got better.

It’s always my instinct to take the hits for my children. To step back; to say, you take it, you go, it’s O.K., I don’t mind. My daughter’s gift of a horseback ride reminded me that being the giver isn’t always the right thing. There’s a pleasure in putting aside your needs for someone else’s. Sometimes accepting someone else’s sacrifice (here, a small one, but one that meant something to her) is an act of giving, too. When they were younger, my children were always happy to accept the metaphorical last brownie. Now that they’re getting older, sometimes they want the chance to put someone else first, and the option of saying no, thank you, to the small sacrifices I offer.

My daughter might have enjoyed that short horseback ride. But she knew she would enjoy giving it to me even more. Accepting it turned out to be the best thing I could have done for us both.

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When babies are born, their minds are still a work in progress, and their brains will rapidly grow and develop based on their experience. That means the first few years are critical for healthy brain development.

“Parents play a daily role in promoting lifelong health by focusing on positive ways to nurture brain development, starting in infancy and extending through the toddler years,” says Dr. James M. Perrin, 2014 president of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Continue reading →